I could tell you a lot about my ex-boyfriend. I could tell you about how we met, why we broke it off, and what kind of people we both were. But all those things would not capture the very essence of my feelings towards our long, tumultuous relationship.
It was, undoubtedly, a tumultuous relationship. And what I’ve learned, more than anything else, when it comes to love, is that good relationships (healthy ones) shouldn’t be tumultuous. They shouldn’t be perfect, with no occasional bumps in the road. No, that kind of love is a love between two people who are so infatuated with one another that they’re terrified of making a misstep and upsetting the other person. A perfect, romantic love between two people involves joy, tolerance, communication, and compatibility between your personalities (I think).
Perhaps he and I were compatible, for a brief amount of time.
After we broke up, he sort of stalked me. He would call, text, show up, etc., crying over how sorry he was and telling me how terribly he felt for letting me go. And when that happened, I inevitably questioned whether I had made the right decision in breaking up with him.
But there were a million reasons I left him. I think the most important reason was that he made me miserable. He made me cry on a daily basis. He made me question his faithfulness by flirting with other women right in front of me, and texting other girls. He once kissed another girl while I was out of town. He was unkind to me, and would say mean things about me to his friends, which would usually come back to me, because his friends liked me.
And I know you’re probably questioning why I would waste my time on someone if all this was happening. In all honesty, it’s because I didn’t see it then. It’s because I couldn’t see all the horrible things about him when I was with him. Even when he did terrible things, I believed that I was going to change him, and make him better, and that our relationship was going to be perfect as soon as he was just a little bit nicer.
But he was never going to be nicer. He was who he was, and no amount of time, energy, and commitment on my part was going to change that. When we broke up, I was heartbroken. I had left him, but I still spent days, weeks, months crying over him and questioning my choice. What if, now that I had let him go from my life, he had magically transformed because he saw what life was without me? That kind of stuff happens in movies all the time. The couple gets back together because whoever was the problem has completely transformed, and their relationship is ideal from then on out. I was repeatedly tempted to give him another chance.
Thank God I didn’t.
He will never be worthy of my time. He is still pulling the same bullshit on his current girlfriend that he pulled on me for three years, and I regret that it took me three years to see how bad of a person he was, but when we met I was very young, and completely inexperienced with men and with love.
The other woman that he kissed when he and I were together was an old acquaintance of mine. I wouldn’t call her a friend (because the only way I can describe our relationship was that she was always very unkind to me, and I just tried to ignore her), but it still broke my heart that he would cheat on me with someone that I knew. When I found out about his infidelity, it was because she wrote me a letter and gave it to me, apologizing. He didn’t even have the balls to own up to it, and when I confronted him about it immediately afterwards, he admitted that it had happened and shrugged it off as though it had been no big deal. He was a horrible person. He is a horrible person.
Anyhow, because I knew this other girl, we’re Facebook friends. The other day, she changed her profile picture and it came up on my news feed. Right underneath it, it shows who has liked the photo, and the first person it listed was my ex-boyfriend. So then, two years after our relationship ended, and about five years since he and I had our first argument about whether he had feelings for her, he is still liking her photos on Facebook while seeing another woman.
I should have known when, immediately after breaking up with him, he went home and talked to her about how “sad” he was about losing me. She was the one who told me that also. I yelled and yelled and yelled, when I should have just accepted that he was a pain in my ass who wasn’t worth my time.
Every fight we had and every time we would break up, my heart would feel broken, unmendable, absolutely torn in half. And now, in all honesty, I am so so so so so so grateful for that pain. That pain was all that came of our relationship. There was no marriage, no children, no horrible proposal that forced me to pair up with this loser for the rest of my life. The heartbreak was a blessing. The heartbreak forced me to get the hell out. If he had not shown his true character to me then, I might still be with him now.
Instead, I get to be with someone who is kind. When he and I first met, I was still dating the jackass. He did not ever flirt with me. He did not ask me to break up with my boyfriend. He and I had probably spoken only one or two times when I dumped the loser. And when he and I broke up, I was devastated. I would lay in bed and cry and not be able to move for hours. He would sit with me, tell me everything was going to be okay, and just listen to me when I talked. He never tried to kiss me, or get too close. He just let me decide what I wanted to do, and I am eternally grateful to him for that.
People were surprised when my ex and I split, because they thought (honestly) that he and I always seemed super happy and perfect together. That is just a tribute to the fact that nothing is ever as it appears. Nothing is perfect. No guy is going to “fix” you. You have to love yourself. You have to love yourself enough to get out if a guy isn’t making you happy. You have to love yourself enough to decide to wait until you’re ready to do what guys will want you to do. You have to make your own choices about things because you just don’t know how long whatever guy you’re seeing will be in your life, and you owe it to yourself to do things your way while you’re young and still have the opportunity to ditch guys who suck, to date guys who may not be the one, and to go single when you feel like taking some time for yourself.
I wouldn’t trade my boyfriend now for anything. It almost broke me to find him, but here I am. He isn’t perfect. I am not perfect. Together, we are probably not even perfect. There might be someone out there who, if we took a compatibility test, would score higher than my boyfriend. That’s fine. I’m not looking for him. I hope he finds a nice girl. But calculations and numbers and tests cannot compare to that indescribable chemistry between two people who just love one another, who cherish each other’s company, and each other’s imperfections. I cannot ask for more from a man than what I have (except that I wish he wanted to go to Disney World as often as I do—only ten times a year, okay?). But I believe we can work through the arguments and disagreements to have our happily ever after.
He treats me nice. He rubs my shoulders and plays with my hair. He does not toy with other women with the sole purpose being to make me jealous. He laughs at my lame jokes. We say the same things at the same time on a daily basis. He makes Frozen references with me, because he knows that my obsession with Disney isn’t going anywhere soon. I tolerate his shows, because I love him, and I want to get to know as much as I can about him. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Don’t settle for something that doesn’t make you happy. It can be different than my happiness. But you know what it is, and I’m challenging you to go out there and grab it.